I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
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He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
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And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"