This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
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Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
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if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC