Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
