you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
