Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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