I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
