Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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