Please, let me fuck your mom
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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