I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Dating After Heartbreak
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.