Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
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Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
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You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.