my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
