My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
