Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
