She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
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I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
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I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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