yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
