Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
