i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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