Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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