I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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