Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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