i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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