Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
