over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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