really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He had one of those small greek statue penises
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
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You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
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I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.