did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".