The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
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It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
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Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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