He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
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Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
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Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??