My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
