Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
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