Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
