i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
