i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
