we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
