Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Randomize
