in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
