I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
