guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize
