I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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