I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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