No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
