and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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