I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
we're so committed to being not committed
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
