woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Im part way to drunk.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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