You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
