Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
