I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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