ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
