i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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