i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
