so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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