I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
