i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
