So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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