Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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