I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
