meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
